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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 609 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Dec 20, 2012 11:00pm PST
jon lovitz. 'cause that's what i do. i star in monster tv shows and i cut out the lame parts, you talentless white --. so in summation, and i mean this to all of you from the bottom of my heart, -- you all and suck my $100 million --. good night and thank you. ♪ bob saget ♪ bob saget ♪ bob saget ♪ bob saget news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas
Comedy Central
Dec 12, 2012 11:00pm PST
. not everything, but a lot. whoopee! news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. >> they're trying to put their hands in my religion. >> it's about being intolerant to the nature of
Comedy Central
Dec 13, 2012 7:30pm PST
jesus as this little wimpy guy who walked around plucking daises and eating birdseed. [laughter] >> jon: plucking daises and eating birdseed? i think you're thinking of russell brand. it's a common mistake. to think of him. no, the truth is i think even most non-christens don't particularly care that for about 10% of every year the public sphere is dominated by this one particular religious celebration in the same way christian don't care that people say happy holidays and seasons greetings because you don't always know the religion of the person you're greeting. merry christmas and they say back to you [inaudible]. so you don't know. so what are these atheist bullies want? i'm assuming a dictatorship of godlessness. >> we're stopping the government from preferring one religion over another. >> we demand equality from the government and it's our constitutional right. you should be demanding it along with me. >> jon: yes! we should because you are perhaps technically correct, although i'm still not sure how your local manger scene enforcement program is going to get you to that goal. but
Comedy Central
Nov 30, 2012 7:30pm PST
mitt romney just wrached up lunch in the private dining room at the white house. >> jon: i can't believe it-- mitt romney, the guy is just lucky! he probably barely donated much money at all but he still got-- (laughter) the event was actually closed to cameras but we do have footage of governor romney arriving at the white house. i believe that is him there and then he's getting out and then-- (laughter) that's-- campaign is over. so he doesn't have to pre-- pretend any more. can wear that serengeti lion sash he hadn't been wearing. by the way, obama couldn't have met the guy in a restaurant? had to make him come to the white house? that's some cold brew. hey, romney, what's up, man, hey, sn it funny, you almost lived here. yeah, this was almost your place, 3 million bus, you know what i mean? oh you worked so hard for seven years and-- you were just about to knock and go in and-- [bleep] anyway, check out what you have been missing. if you lived here you could be doing right now, watch this, watch this give me a monte chris o san witch, you like adele, get me adele on the pho
Comedy Central
Dec 4, 2012 10:00am PST
with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. denis leary will be on the program, author of the new york, merry [bleep] christmas. am i reading that title correctly? iÑi can only assume it's a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. leary loves crafting. speaking of christmas, you probably are aware by now our nation has been embroiled in a long, bitter war. >> the first salvo in the war on christmas >> the war on christmas jon: war on christmas! not to be confused with gwar on christmas. tremendous christmas album. for years now christmas has been under attack defended by the brave souls at fox news. are they still up to the task? that is the subject of tonight's "war on christmas, friendly fire" edition. let's face facts. the annual fox war on christmas has become a little predictable. basically imagine you can make one up like a make fox news mad libs. let's see. so let's see. let's try to do one of these. last week in... i need the name of
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2012 11:00pm PST
... ♪ >> from company dee central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got a show for you tonight. going to break the bank. my guest tonight, right here on this stage, should i say a certain boss from new jersey? (cheers and applause) not that one. governor chris christie. huh? he's the boss. (applause) the other boss. folks, we've been so wrapped up here in this country with our election, our fiscal cliff, our inattention to events in egypt and syria that we forget there are important international stories that deserve our focus. and then there's this one. >> yes, exciting the british royalty is expanding am will and kate with preggers. >> see that, it's a royal baby bump, what a joy to be here on this day of celebration. >> there's the picture on the times, we're expecting. and then i love this one, kate's expectations. (applause) >> jon: not bad. kind of obvious, i mean if you want to go with pregnancy puns based on british li
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2012 10:00am PST
.wghb.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! we've got one for you tonight, man. we're not messing around. our guest tonight, noted -- (audience yells something) i'm sorry? i hope that was not an anti-semitic slur. our guest tonight -- (laughs) it's my birthday today so -- (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind wishes. (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind birthday wishes, again, thank you. very kind. but let's get to our show! the noted author and inventor neil young is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) we begin tonight with the attacks on the u.s. consulate in benghazi, libya. it was a tragic situation where american lives were lost and in the three months since the attack, legitimate questions of adequate embassy security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right to know have all been distilled down, thrown out and replaced with this one urgent conclusion concerning current u.s. amba
Comedy Central
Dec 4, 2012 7:30pm PST
in a long, bitter war. >> the first salvo in the war on christmas >> the war on christmas jon: war on christmas! not to be confused with gwar on christmas. tremendous christmas album. for years now christmas has been under attack defended by the brave souls at fox news. are they still up to the task? that is the subject of tonight's "war on christmas, friendly fire" edition. let's face facts. the annual fox war on christmas has become a little predictable. basically imagine you can make one up like a make fox news mad libs. let's see. so let's see. let's try to do one of these. last week in... i need the name of some godless liberal bastion >> santa monica. jon: that will do. i mean fill in santa monica there and in santa monica a group of... give me the name of a small group of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture >> atheists jon: atheists will do. that's right. everyone's favorite uncle that lives in oregon that no one ever sees. a group of atheists have ruined christmas by forcing the removal of... i need a classic christmas symbol. (laughing) dam it,
Comedy Central
Dec 7, 2012 7:30pm PST
's expectations. (applause) >> jon: not bad. kind of obvious, i mean if you want to go with pregnancy puns based on british literature. why not macbirth or why limit yourself to english literature y not madam's ovaris. (laughter) the prince and the hopper. portrait of the fetus as a young man. wait, wait! perhaps dickens was best, a tale of sore titties. (laughter) (applause) >> it was the best of-- the breast of times what an erudite crowd. titties. >> come on, it's just a babbee. you can't tell me british people actually give a crap about this stuff. >> i just come and it's really exciting because-- sorry. >> oh, you're happy for them. >> i am happy. >> jon: don't get too overwhelmed. that woman is the royal weeper. for runs of years her family has served as the house of windsor's official strong emotion surrogate. so what a commoners think. >> that's just another one, isn't it. you know, you know. (laughter) >> jon: that is not the accent you expect from apopadopolous. to me the most striking thing about kate's pregnancy is how much the media wanted to let us know that they totally knew she w
Comedy Central
Dec 12, 2012 7:30pm PST
into divisive issues. >> jon: (whispering) going to bring people together. (laughter) he was going to focus on common ground things people from michigan want and need. more robocoppers on the streets of new detroit. (laughter) getting the tourism board to work a little harder on its new slogan. (laughter) and finally -- (applause). finally michigan was going to fin their statue i have been petitioning for online. (laughter) they've got a rocky statue in philly, they should have a kid rock statue in detroit. that's some bull (bleep) right there. (laughter) none of that is done. he hasn't done any of it so -- >> moments ago the michigan house approved a right-to-work bill the state senate passed last week. >> jon: doesn't matter. your governor doesn't want to work on that divisive issue. >> republican governor rick snyder promises to sign the bill as soon as it hits his desk which could be within hours. >> jon: actually, between the time that we cut that soundbite and now he already signed it! so (bleep). (laughter) look, you know what, man? so what? so what? so this guy who really looks plea
Comedy Central
Dec 19, 2012 10:00am PST
captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! we've got a good one for you tonight. we've got a good one. our guest, laura linney. she's in the new movie in "hyde park on the hudson." daisy was apparently f.d.r.'s confidante at a time when confidante meant "guy i have sex with." (laughter) we begin tonight in michigan where ten months ago michigan's governor rick snyder -- (laughter). that's dee snyder. duke snyder. that's roy scheider. (laughter). (cheers and applause) that's just a picture of me looking aknowed with this bit. there we go. rick snyder. anyway, this (bleep) guy. michigan governor rick snyder went before congress ten months ago to say he was not particularly interested at this time in making the bedrock union state of michigan a right to work state. >> right to work is an issue that is a very divisive issue. people feel very strongly about it. we have many problems in michigan that are much more pressing that i want to find common ground issues we can work together on before we get into d
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2012 7:30pm PST
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, warren buffett and financial journalist carol loomis. they are on the show tonight and -- tonight meeting for the first time on this show. (laughter) they wrote a book together, actually. as you know, if there's one thing all americans can agree on, we love black friday. whether you're a fan of shopping or trampling. (laughter) which is why i was just -- i was so upset to see on this holiest of days a news story about people protesting in front of their local wal-mart. >> thousands of wal-mart employees are staging walkouts and protests over this holiday weekend. the workers are upset about having to work on thanksgiving day and they're also speaking out for better pay and benefits. >> jon: what? (laughter) you get to work at wal-mart on thanksgiving day! (laughter) a ring side seat to the greatest show on earth. >> i it's a black friday tradition. >> (bleep). i'll stab one of you mother (bleep) (audience reacts). >> jon: do you know ho
Comedy Central
Dec 4, 2012 11:00pm PST
clacking] [carriage return dinging] captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey! welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. oh, we got a good one tonight. my guest tonight, new york mets pitcher and recent cy young recipient-- cy young recipient-- r.a. dickey is going to be joining us on the program. (cheers and applause) the man. may be the first guest in the history of this program to be traded while i am talking to him. (laughter) they may just -- they may come in and take him away. (laughter) i think i'll ask him what race he'd like to be. (laughter) somebody asked me that before the show started. (laughter) we were talking before the show started and everybody's got a question and "who would win in a fight, frog or shark?" that kind of thing. someone just said to me "what race would you be if you could be -- i mean, obviously a jew is fine but, i mean -- if you had a chance, i mean, wouldn't you go asian just for a day?" (laughter) (cheers and applause) it's fine. they're nice people! they're casting a benton add and they needed -- it's actual
Comedy Central
Dec 19, 2012 1:00am PST
washington? - [voice of denzel washington] i'm here, i'm present, and i will always be around. - lil jon? - [voice of lil jon] yeah! - [voice of barack obama] excuse me, lil jon. welcome, ray. i'm glad to have you on board. - oh, [bleep]! what's up, barack obama? ahem! [chuckles] wouldn't that be something if barack obama just showed up? - your start-up paperwork's right over here. [dramatic music] - man, you gotta be more careful. learn to use the shining. tune in and out of it. otherwise, you won't be able to sort out who's talking. - and i'm sick of these goddamn snakes... - just give me the basketball! - on this goddamn plane! - here, yo, coco, what you want to drink, girl? - leo, what are you doing? - drink some colt 45 malt liquor. [overlapping voices] - women dig chocolate! - is everything okay? [dramatic music] - ray! listen for morgan. morgan freeman. he will guide you. - [voice of morgan freeman] listen to my voice, ray. now, just stay calm and focus on that white man. - [exhales] everything's going to be okay. - once you finish up this paperwork, bring it to jennifer in my off
Comedy Central
Dec 10, 2012 7:30pm PST
level maturity. (laughter) so the there a deal. >> there's, of course, no deal. >> jon: of course! is there there a prospect for a deal? >> there's not a prospect for a deal. >> jon: of course! (laughter) but the ongoing talks -- >> there aren't even very many talks going on. (laughter) >> jon: damn! you're kidding us! give us something! >> but for the first time there are numbers on pieces of paper from both sides. >> jon: numbers on paper! (cheers and applause) we have numbers on paper! from both sides! (whispering snvpld we're all going to be okay. (laughter) how were -- numbers on paper. how were negotiations being conducted before they decided to put numbers on paper? (laughter) were they communicateding by pheromones like aunts? (laughter) vanity cards? is that how this was going? were the two sides just spray painting a side and hoping it wanders past the other side's office or other equally absurd examples? so tell us about this paper with numbers on them. >> $4 trillion of deficit reduction over the next ten years. it includes $1.6 trillion in higher taxes on households m
Comedy Central
Dec 11, 2012 1:00am PST
, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. bishop gene robinson is going to be here a all i know about religion is this: apparently he can only move diagonally. that's a chess move, baby. a bishop chess joke. let me just give you my lunch money now. let's begin tonight in the world of sport. i don't know if anybody here knows this. i happen to enjoy sport. i like watching other people talk about them. i like listening to people on the radio call in to talk about sports. you know what i do with that knowledge? i make can't-miss bets. you know what i do with my winnings? you think i do nice things with them for society? no. i spend all my gambling winnings on the first commercial i see after a game ends. hello, brooklyn lantern. looks like some people won't have to eat pasta again with a flashlight. no! by the way i do want to tell that woman you could have just somebody hold the flashlight. then you could hold it for somebody. because i can tell you
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2012 1:00am PST
's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." what a good one we have for you tonight. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, alan simpson-- one-third of the singing trio "ashford and simpson and bowles" ( laughter ) you should not get their album. they're not very good. let's begin tonight with america. it's great! and republicans in the united states senate think it's about time america cafta, side it's famed humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world. >> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and opportunity for the rest of the world. >> jon: a beacon of hope. a home beacon, a-- come on, world! follow our leadership. did you hear me, world? come on, follow! ( laughter ) don't make me send in the ( bleep
Comedy Central
Dec 11, 2012 7:30pm PST
football >> jon: really? that's when i go take a piss. but okay. yes an nfl half time show is no time to talk about violence in the nfl. it's a time to watch endless slow-motion replays of that today's hardest hits. that was a great hit. yeah, i think the guy's brain came out of his ear hole on that one. sucking it up like a man. of course he'll never be the same again. half time isn't the right time. what about at a press conference? what about at a press conference like after the aurora shooting s when the mayor of new york called for an examination of gun laws? >> the body is not even out of the theater before he started to jump into this debate. i think there is some level of political protocol that you need to have in a tragedy like this where you wait. be quiet for 24 hours at least. >> jon: that's clearly in that situation it's not where it is being discussed but when. i'm assuming that the venue was good. it's just that the mayor did not obey the common sense waiting period we place on gun... ammmm... conversations. you don't want somebody in an emotional state just shooting o
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 609 (some duplicates have been removed)